Last night a new thought made me free

Last night a new thought made me free. I was in bed and felt tired into my bones. My back was strung tight like an archers’ bow before he’d let go of the arrow, and thus a fiery mental arrow pierced through my mind; all the pain I’ve suffered to achieve my goals, countless youthful hours, thrown into an endless pit of expectations. Was it worth it? Yes, and no, are equally good answers. Yes, for I had no other option. Failure was, in a sense, impossible, because I would never give up. On the other hand: no, since the toil and work necessary to do well, also meant I had no life left in me for anything else.

There was however another realisation I fancied in the wave of mental arrows bursting across the night sky of my mind: I can’t be bothered to pour any more much suffering, anguish and despair into every single thing that can might go wrong tomorrow. I’m just not willing to care, or freak out, this much about this little any longer. Time to stop the worry-train and trust myself a little.

After all, by most measures, my life is, on paper, great! It’s just that it’s taking too much worrying and struggle to maintain the score. So I figured I’d put a little more trust in the one guy that’s made my personal dreams come true along the way, I pronounce, humbly I should add, myself. I can let myself come into important situations, without trying to figure out everything that might happen beforehand. I can respond to the one actual thing that happens in an effective and good way. Once the mind is freed from holding on the never ending «what if’s», all mental energy is channeled directly into the actual experience of what is happening.

This made me happy to think of, and went into dreams with a new found lust for life, and I began to trust, for the first time in a long time, that I would be able to face what life throws at me simply by trusting my intuition and focusing on whats happening around me and acting on my thoughts and feelings in the moment as they arise.

Have a great night*

Life just levelled up and so did you. Be ready.

The loss of feelings, make greater feelings possible.

I remember as a child, how easily I was struck by emotions, and how strongly they hit me. A new song would lift me up to the sky in an instant, just like a stern look from my parents could rip my heart out and make tears flow like the Nile. Same goes for my teens, but here I more often recall sexual frustrations and achievements as larger than life events.

Point is, at 24, I am still young, but life’s got more blunt. New ideas don’t make me laugh with joy, nor does a rejection sting like a venomous snake anymore. Ideas are instead entertaining, and rejections is more like a rainy day, instead of a thundering hurricane outside my door. Recently I found this frustrating, for example, the idea for this text that came to me 5 minutes ago, would have made me thrilled when I was younger, but now it doesn’t really stir any particular strong emotion in me.

What a bummer, right? Maybe so, but I just came to picture how effective this makes me to do things where more is at stake. Events that involve great fears, and demands deep control during moments of intense stress – will now be easier to complete, since emotions won’t completely overpower me, or make me crumble under pressure.

So here’s my sentiment to all young adults, that feels like life doesn’t bring out any strong feelings anymore. Heed this call: With emotions made blunt, you are ready to take harder quests than ever before – with equally large rewards. Life just levelled up and so did you. Be ready.

Have a good evening!

The grind or The authentic?

In gaming there is something called “the grind”, which is to play the game in the most effective way to level up or achieve some goal, it often involves repeating some task a million times as it is the most time-effective way to level up, instead of exploring new territories or completing complex quests to level up, which is less effective. The grind is effective and soul-crushing. To do quests or explore new land is often more satisfying, but slower in regards to reaching maximum level.

In real life, I do “the grind” on Tinder, a dating app. I swipe right on most faces, even the ones I am not very interested in, and so when I match with someone, I don’t fancy it much. Eventually I grow tired of my own standard opening-line, my refined sequence of escalation at the bar, and eventual walk home together. The “I’m tired” afterwards, and the final “good-bye” half an hour later.

Everything comes in cycles, and “the grind” is one of them. Eventually you grow tired of it, despite it being time-effective. You grow bored of the grind game, the brain self-regulates, and you bother to invest more in each person you meet, to be authentic, and you decide to give, once again, Love a chance.

Have a good night.

Be Genuine

Authentic communication with others is exhausting because it reminds us of the intense struggle everyone is involved in, and the cost of being empathetic to the suffering of all those you meet is too much for most people and even ineffective, as it paralyses you, and so we invented or adapt into a social game of norms and formalities that lets us greet each other and be friendly without having to invest as much into others and makes relationships more superficial and effective, wider but less deep, faster but inauthentic. It’s a good means to meet others respectfully when you can’t deal with real feelings, but should be put aside for more genuine interactions when you feel like it and are able to.

Have a great evening.

Like, a drug –

My legs need caffeine, they’ve fallen asleep.
My tongue need a cigarette, cause a whiskey voice would charm her now.
My eyes need MDMA so she can see my true love for her.
My hands need weed so she can feel my fingers warmth deep inside her bones.
My mind need alcohol so she can hear those few words from me without hesitation.

Life is a drug and I want it all H E R E + N O W.

Fighting for my Love

You fight me for my love,
We both have our eyes on the same golden girl.
She’s so bright, we dance around her flame.
Our flesh melting under her everlasting sun.
I know,
You’re bigger, stronger, faster.
– But I’ve got a fight in me, larger than a black hole.
My hunger of love burns in my veins like magma.
You’re a hurricane thundering above,
I, a volcano ready to erupt, and from the cover of the rocky smoke –
I will collapse your soul!
This girl of mine, you leave it be
In desperate helplessness;
I beg you, I kick you, I curse you.
But you keep on fighting, for my love.
There’s no end till’ one of us is dead.
My bones may break, and my throat you’re ready to rip out,
Like I am willing to spear your eyes and cut your tongue.
So she won’t her another intoxicating word uttered from your breath.
I am mad with desire, blind with rage,
And you fight me for my love.

where nothing hurts

I went and bought some first class weed, and made a clean roll of the good stuff. Took 5 good hits, and was teleported to another dimension. Laying down in my bed, I was overcome with sensations, and began to panick slightly, it was a rapid shift between ecstasy and horror. In an instant I was disconnected from everything that was going on in my mind, like my body was someone else’s – even my thoughts were foreign, and it must be in some way connected to the rest of me, because this state of existence (mind), calmed down my fear, the sensations that stirred the horror was still there, but it didn’t scare me anymore.

I am a firm believer that we can experience everything and anything without judging it to be bad/horrible – choose your negative adjective, because the mind, or the ground of existence, – is without judgements of good and bad. It just sees everything, then the mind adds a layer of thought and further directs bodily reactions.

We have a certain way we desire to go in this world, of what to achieve, and the great anxiety of not succeeding in those endeavours, but with this observation of a third layer, of seeing without judging, makes it possible for the «bad» to happen without our suffering. – It is not unavoidable, but it is possible to walk through it with grace.

Happy summer to you all.

Kindness and expecting something back

How selfish should I be? If we feel unfairly treated we feel resentment if we stay silent. Often when doing kind gestures, there is the expectation for a “thank you” or a smile or some kind of recognition, and often we get it back, and sometimes we don’t – and boy do I remember the don’ts. I read somewhere that it takes 17 good words to counter one negative word – that’s how our minds are.

So don’t force yourself to be nice, if you can’t help but expect something back, then just be neutral instead. Go about your day and treat yourself selfishly.  When the moment comes where you achieve something good; in a hobby, at school or in sports, that fills your heart with joy and zest, you will naturally help others and spread happiness like a fountain of joy – and it will rain upon everyone like bliss.

Have a good Saturday

A question to erase regrets and lack of self-awareness

What is the most pressing question for philosophy to answer? – How to live the best possible life.

Best life implies that one makes all the right decisions, otherwise one is filled with regret. One becomes stuck in the past, and continues to hunt the present. This is a downward spiral that is difficult to get out of. Most importantly because one is unaware of the negative thoughts that dominate the thought process, and in effect, damages all aspects of daily life.

The downfall comes to be because one regrets and then becomes fixated on the past, which cannot change. Life becomes stagnant, as one stays on a problem that cannot be fixed. This again is caused by lack of mindfulness, not being aware that this is how one lives.

The cure needs to address the two poisons of regret and lack of self-awareness. The following thought experiment seems to have a potential redeeming effect on both poisons:

–  In the future, how would you have wished that you acted right now?

This question makes one aware of:

• What is important to oneself right now, and what to pursue.
• That you one as if transported back in time to fix these regrets in the present time.
• The powers one has to make something joyful happen this very instant.
• It turns the strong tendency to focus on everything negative, and applies it to future regrets, making one keenly aware instead of all the current possibilities to fulfill those desires right now and avoid those regrets. 

Nicotine: stronger, faster, better, and harder

When I have nicotine in my blood I feel as if nothing can hurt me. I push my bike and myself to the breaking point that never comes, and I know that I don’t have full control anymore when it comes to traffic lights and everything else that also moves on the road, but faster I go. If I were to crash and fly into the blue sky and towards the dusty pavement, I wouldn’t mind. I would roll upon impact, and bounce back up, maybe laugh a little. I have no worries. I am in control and do everything with conviction like a born again christian.

For good or bad, nicotine makes you do it better.