I was about to check my most recent post to see what kind of state of mind I was in last time I wrote here, but figured it would be interesting to compare, after I pour my heart out now.
I haven’t thought of myself as a stable person for years. I have felt violent waves of emotion, gnawing anxiety and terrible persistent annoyance, depression and anger. Perhaps as a grander joke, the package included the height of my creativity and persistence in my work, and I am very proud of what I have learnt and created the last 3 years at architecture school. I have discovered my strengths in this profession, ie. unusual perspectives, abstract methods and drawings, and a keen eye for connecting the dots and story-telling. My weaknesses are a tendency to think instead of doing, and being completely green to so many tools and techniques that exist, but with time and work I am slowly growing in expertise.
In summary I have thrown myself into these studies with all my heart, and felt overwhelmed on a daily basis for months at a time, and in despair isolated myself, listened to too much Pink Floyd, watched too many turbulent documentaries, and mostly felt unstable, with rushes of joy and despair racing beside each other to see who reaches my mind first and most heavily.
Right now I am kind of kicking the earth out of mild boredom, but boy do I feel stable, nothing makes such an impression on me as it used to. I enjoy small-talking with my friends, partying once every weekend, working out, reading a little, and overall not having very much to do, and not caring deeply about anything. It is very relaxing, but I am starting to look around for another challenge. Something paramount important for me to plunge into, but it is very comfortable right here. It’s like I am in a warm bathtub with candles and Mozart, and somebody tells me that there is an ice bath and an adventure waiting for me. I want to just stay a bit more before I head out. The adventure can wait until this water is lukewarm.
Because my identity has been so strongly tied to my work, I kind of don’t know what to think of myself right now. I try my hands at the social game a lot more, where the good vibes rule, and impression and appearance is what matters. I think I, for the first time, understand how somebody can spend their entire life doing mediocre work, having some good friends, and just trying to do some fun stuff after work, if not after, at least in the weekend, and never being very tired, over-worked or worried, but neither being elated as strongly as one is when one works hard and succeeds in ones deeds. That is the greatest feeling in the world, together with being in love. It is being in love with your work, and your work finally loving you back. Nothing beats that, nothing!
What Matters. 